


We're Gonna Get Married, Dan

by Isaac_Potato



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Dan saves himself, M/M, Mentions of Excoriation, Suicide Attempt, mentions of anorexia, sort of fluffy ending, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-25
Updated: 2017-04-25
Packaged: 2018-10-23 18:06:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10724478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Isaac_Potato/pseuds/Isaac_Potato
Summary: “We’re gonna get married one day, Dan. It’s gonna be a big wedding, in Manchester, where we had our first apartment together. Not in the apartment, just near it. We’re gonna get a nice house, and we’re gonna have a dog. Maybe we can adopt a kid. A boy and a girl. We can name them Susan and Dil 2.” Dan laughed.





	We're Gonna Get Married, Dan

Phil was in their lounge, doing a live show. Dan was in the bathroom, staring at himself in the mirror. He looked different, noticeably different. All of the fans talked about it. He was getting paler and thinner, and there were permanent dark circles under his eyes. His hair was also constantly messy because he didn’t care anymore, he couldn’t be bothered with keeping his hair straight. He had dry patches on his arms from not eating and scars littered his right thigh, and scabs from scratching himself littered his left.

If he was being honest with himself, he really didn’t know why he was cutting, or starving, or scratching, but he was. He had everything. He had a wonderful fan base, amazing friends, and Phil. He finally had Phil. He’d been trying for so long, and finally they were dating. But he remembers hearing something about that, about how depression and other disorders hit without warning and at the worst times. Is that’s what was happening? Depression? Again? Wasn’t he over this? Then again, it never really leaves, does it? Phil helped him once, would he help him again?

The water in the bath was running and he was sitting in his underwear, his shirt sleeves rolled up. He didn’t cut on his wrists because it was too noticeable and he couldn’t risk their fans, or Phil, finding out. They hadn’t gotten farther than heated makeout sessions, Dan wouldn’t let them, so Phil didn’t see, so Phil doesn’t even know what his boyfriend is going through. Boyfriend. The word almost makes him leave, go out to the lounge and kiss Phil full on the lips while the entire live show watches. Almost.

He’s been going back and forth about this in his mind for a while. A long while. He was ready, ready to leave everything behind. He could do this. He looked down at the razor in his hand. He couldn’t cut vertically, couldn’t bring himself to do it. He put it to his wrist, again and again. Tears blurred his vision. He looked towards the bath and walked over. He looked at it and watched blood from his wrist dye some of the water red.

“We’re gonna get married one day, Dan. It’s gonna be a big wedding, in Manchester, where we had our first apartment together. Not in the apartment, just near it.” Phil’s voice sounded in his head. Dan was getting light headed as tears joined the water along with the blood still dripping. “We’re gonna get a nice house, and we’re gonna have a dog.” Dan smiled through his tears and suddenly the water sounded very quiet. “Maybe we can adopt a kid. A boy and a girl. We can name them Susan and Dil 2.” Dan laughed. He wanted that. What was he doing? Why was he here? Why was he doing this, when he could be with Phil, warm in his arms, instead of alone in this too cold bathroom. He needed help. He couldn’t talk.

He turned and staggered towards the door, his bloody wrists staining the bathmat. He opened it, his hands a bit slippery. Wasn’t Phil doing a live show? Did Dan care? 

“And after we get married and get settled and Susan and Dil 2 are in college and successful, we can retire, before we live in an old person home together. We’ll never be alone. We’ll always have each other.” 

He walked up to the door to the lounge. He opened it with difficulty, his slippery hands adding a challenge. The computer screen wasn’t facing him, which was good, the fans couldn’t see him. What did he look like? Probably like he’s right out of a horror movie.

“Oh, Dan just walked in. Hello, Da-” Phil looked up, and his face drained. He looked almost sick. “Dan?” He jumped up and ran over, leaving behind comments from fans asking what happened, what was wrong, why Phil looked so scared. 

Dan passed out, the last thing he heard was Phil’s cry before he woke up in a hospital bed, his wrists bandaged and Phil crying next to his bed. “I’m sorry.” Was all Dan could think to say, because he was. For some reason his mind drifted back to the bath that was running back at home. “Did you turn off the bathtub?” He asked.

Phil looked up at him, confused. “Did I turn off the… Dan! You seriously are asking me that question! Right now! You almost killed yourself, you could be dead right now, I could’ve lost you forever and you want to know if I turned off the damn bathtub!?” Phil exclaimed. “They were threatening to strap you down to the bed so you didn’t try jumping out of the window or try drowning yourself! The fans were terrified, I couldn’t even tell them what happened because I was so scared and crying so hard I couldn’t breathe and you want to know about a bathtub?” 

Dan waited a few seconds before saying, “Well, yeah.” Dan told him. “Your houseplants could drown.” 

“The cops turned it off after they finished searching the bathroom, then they talked to me, thought I drove you to do it, thought I could’ve done it and blamed it on you. I didn’t even know it was running, out bathroom was flooded, I think our building is making us pay for water damage.” Phil told him. Dan tried to process everything in his cloudy brain, eventually giving up and holding out his arms so Phil would cuddle with him. How could he do this? Phil looked torn to pieces and Dan did it to him, made Phil look like that. Phil looked at him for a few seconds before crawling in bed with him. 

“I was so scared. I thought I lost you forever. I don’t know what I’d do without you, baby, I don’t know how I’d keep living. I’d be so lost without seeing you every morning, or having you curled with me at night. I love you so much, please don’t ever forget that. Please, because I need you, and so do all of your subscribers.” Phil told him and Dan was crying. Crying because he felt stupid. Crying because his arms hurt even though the hospital probably filled him up with drugs. Crying because Phil was crying. Crying because he wanted to go home, and cuddle with Phil properly and watch anime and eat cereal in their pajamas and his sofa crease. Crying because he was stupid, and he almost lost his ability to do any of that.

He turned and hugged Phil as tight as he could and whispered “I’m sorry” like a mantra, like they were the only words he knew. At the moment they probably were.

After he calmed down, Phil looked him in the eyes and kissed him like he’d never kissed him before, like if he stopped he’d lose Dan for good. Phil eventually did pull away and just looked at Dan, wiping his tears. “They said you can go home in a few days as long as you promise to go to therapy. Also your mum will be here soon.” Dan nodded and put his head under Phil’s chin, curling close to him and realizing how it wouldn’t have been worth it, ending everything just to get rid of the pain. Pain is only temporary, but love was forever. He fell asleep, listening to Phil’s heartbeat and realizing that nothing was worth doing if the thing he was going to do meant he couldn’t see Phil ever again.

**Author's Note:**

> Well this sucked but it's late and also I suck but whatever.


End file.
